Thursday, February 5, 2009

A Heavy Heart

As a child I used to envision my dad tied to a totem pole with Indians (sorry, but that is what I called them when I was 4) dancing around him (much like in the cartoons of the 60's), when he would be unable to come home for lunch because he was "tied up". Now as I read the title and realize that is the correct description of my heart right now, I envision my heart so full of pain and sorrow that it actually weighs more.

Sometimes I wonder how much pain and sorrow can fit in a heart. Does the heart just keep expanding to accommodate more and more pain? Or is there a release valve that eventually lets some pain escape to make room for more? Is there a breaking point? Can the heart truly break?

I am not sure of the answers and not really sure it matters. My reality right now is that I am in a place of sorrow.

I was recently introduced to the artist - Christine Kane. She is a musician from Asheville, North Carolina. I really love her soothing style. She has some very funny songs and some really deep songs. The one that comes to mind right now is "I'm With You" Click here to find it to listen to if you would rather.

"In the streetlight
Out from under shadows
I am waiting for you
Among the ashes
And the broken arrows
There are pieces of truth
After all is said and done
And there's nowhere left to run
I'm with you
I'm with you
I have wondered
When the mystery will end
And what the answers reveal
But I am learning now
It's less about the answers
And more about how we heal
When all the awful of your past
Brings you to this place at last
I'm with you
I'm with you
What would happen
In the time it takes your hand
To reach out and beyond
To touch the twilight
Feel the warmth of firelight
Turn a stone in your palm
I can't make this world be kind
But you can put your hand in mine"

This has so many meanings to me. It completely depends on where I am on my journey when I hear it. Today it is a two-fold meaning.

First, my God is with me. Even though I am hurting so bad and feel that nothing is going right and that I am the worst mom in the world, the worst friend in the world, the worst person in the world, God is with me. She is right there. All I have to do is lean and She will hold me up. I simply hold out my hand and put it in hers.

Second, is my feeling for my children. I want them to know that I am right here. I will be here for them whenever they need me. When every where in their life feels unsafe or insecure, I am here. I won't try to "fix" it, I will simply be here and help the healing. My hand is reaching out.

So, as I love my children, so am I loved. It is in this that the release valve is activated and the heart feels less heavy, still sore, still sorrowful, but a little less.

Until next time,
Mrs. M


Natalie said...

We are hardest on ourselves. Who are you? Your identity is not your perception, but our Makers: YOU are a child of God, there is no accident, no mistake that is not part of His plan. You are a beautiful, perfect creation that is human; fatally flawed. Love yourself more, if not for you or e or your family, then for Him. My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend. Stand STRONG!

ps - way lighter, I love the new layout!

Joy said...

Sorry I missed this week's ago. Hope whatever was happening then is in a better place now.